Transcript

Hello, I’m Rebecca Marmaduke, Braver Angels Ambassador for the Central Alliance of North Carolina. Today, I’m going to be sharing my thoughts about The Soul of Civility: Timeless Principles for Healing Ourselves and Society, a book written by Alexandra Hudson and recently published by St. Martin’s Press. On November 8, 2023, at 6:30 pm at Common Thread Church in Raleigh, you’ll have the chance to hear from Alexandra and local educator and policy developer Leslie Boney as they unpack the concepts in the book. In this audio column, I’m sharing some thoughts and epiphanies I had as I tried to help organize the event and the reasons, I have embraced the ideas behind The Soul of Civility.

There is no escaping the real inner conflict we all face every day: the struggle between self-love and love for others.  It could be as simple as choosing who gets the last buffalo wing, or as profound as the decision to remove life support from a loved one who is suffering. During a typical day for most of us, we examine our situations, and then we make choices about how to engage with our partners, children, co-workers, and community. Sometimes we choose our own self-interest, other times we defer to others. It’s the underlying motives behind those choices that Alexandra Hudson pursues in her thoughtful new book, The Soul of Civility: Timeless Principles to Heal Ourselves and Society.

Because I was fortunate to be able to retire at a relatively “young” age – not that I’d meet any current media standard of youth – my everyday choices should be fairly simple now, and they would be, except that back in late2020, I chose to get involved with Braver Angels. If you’re reading or listening to this column, then you may know that Braver Angels is an inorganization tackling the steep mission to bridge the partisan divide. One could say I left the superficial fire of the corporate workplace for the blazing hot bonfire of American civic dysfunction and polarization.

So much for retirement.

What has kept me engaged with Braver Angels for three years now is my own recognition that Americans have big problems to solve, and our conflict and acrimony are getting in the way.  Sure, I could volunteer at a food bank or provide literacy tutoring – both of which I’ve done, and there is huge value and immediacy in this type of volunteerism. But what I eventually discerned was that these short-term interventions don’t really address the root causes of things like lack of opportunity, violence, racism, and environmental destruction. Our current state of crisis requires deeper, systemic problem-solving, and we are at an abysmal impasse. There is no point in sugar-coating things.

As I watched events unfold on January 6, 2021, I was never more certain, that something more had to be done. Braver Angels had a lot of work to do.

Speaking of work, I learned a lot of things working for Fortune 500 companies over the years, some useful, some toxic, but one thing I learned how to do for sure was to organize and drive activity. When I got back from the 2023 Braver Angels National Convention in Gettysburg, PA, never had I been more passionate about the call to depolarize America. So, I kept in touch with conventioneers, especially from the Raleigh-Durham area, and with them, I began to plot what other kinds of outreach and activity would make an impact on our own community.

One of my contacts, my friend and collaborator Michael Cooper, had met Alexandra Hudson at the BA convention, and he let me know that she was going to be in town for another speaking engagement. Would our local alliance be interested in hosting some type of event involving an award-winning writer, brilliant speaker, and rising media star? Of course, I responded within enthusiastic, “YES!” and got to work organizing an evening with Alexandra. Meanwhile, Michael got in touch with local educator and policy developer Leslie Boney, who was also willing to lend his time and talents to the event.

I did everything necessary to set the stage for an amazing evening of discussion and exchange of ideas. I set up the online registration, established modest budget, began the marketing campaign, composed press releases, etc. The response was a slow trickle of interest and not a lot of buzz. I was a little surprised and even dismayed.

So, I did more of what I do best: I doubled down, did more promotion and legwork, and enlisted more people to spread the word. But still, the event was not really taking off as expected. I had to ask myself, what am Idling or not doing right here?

Then, I’m embarrassed to admit, I finally decided to actually read the book.

When I did, I recognized the same profound and timeless ideas that ran through every moment of the BA convention last July, and I remembered how being present in that space had energized me and lifted my gaze to a higher plane of truth and certitude. When I read a story about Alexandra’s experience with a manipulative colleague who took advantage of her diligence and talent, I also recalled the hurt and disillusionment I had felt at various points during my career when people exploited my trust and commitment with no interest in how it affected me personally or professionally. Most often, they did so by the most nefarious means possible – through extreme politeness.

As I read The Soul of Civility, I was brought squarely back to my own deeply-seated belief that the motivations behind our conduct are incredibly important. “Aggressive politeness” can be just as destructive, if not more destructive, than angry confrontation and intimidation. As Alexandra says inhere book, “Politeness is easy. Civility requires effort.”

Civility is something I’m working on every day now. I don’t mean just sending a nice text to a friend who's feeling down or choosing not to make a fuss when someone cuts in line at the grocery checkout. It’s continually exposing myself to thoughts and ideas like the ones expressed in The Soul of Civility, and renewing my own good faith effort to live up to those ideals. Alexandra Hudson has really struck some powerful chords here that I think can resonate with any and everyone, and I can personally recommend the book and the evening with her and Leslie Boney. I think we’ll all come away with not only good feelings but actionable ways we can contribute to a more civil society.

So, I invite you to join Braver Angels on November 8 at 6:30 p.m. at Common Thread Church in Raleigh. I’ll include a registration link below. Bring a family member or friend, and bring your own thoughts to share with we enter a space of civility and healing. Who knows? It could be the start of something transformative.

Thank you for listening to this audio column. I’m Rebecca Marmaduke, and I’m proud to be a member of Braver Angels. If you enjoyed this talker want to learn more about Braver Angels in North Carolina, reach out to us at info@bravernangelsofnc.org. That’s info@braverangelsofnc.org.